1. “I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.” – Douglas Adams, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul
2. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett, Diggers
3. “If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” – J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
4. “The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.” – Marjorie Pay Hinckley
5. “I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.” – Audrey Hepburn
6. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
7. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
8. “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
9. “I don’t want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.” – Unknown
10. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
11. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
12. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
13. “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” – Bill Cosby
14. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
15. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
16. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
17. “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.” – Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
18. “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
19. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
20. “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.” – Unknown
21. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
22. “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski
23. “I’ve developed a new philosophy… I only dread one day at a time.” – Charlie Brown
24. “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams
25. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
26. “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle
27. “I’m a great lover; I’ll bet.” – Woody
28. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” – Oscar Wilde
29. “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
30. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
31. “The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
32. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
33. “I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches.” – Alice Roosevelt Longworth
34. “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams
35. “Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.” – Bill Gates
36. “Don’t be so humble. You’re not that great.” – Golda Meir
37. “I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.” – W.C. Fields
38. “I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
39. “If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” – Henny Youngman
40. “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Lily Tomlin
41. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” – Thomas Edison
42. “I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.” – A. Whitney Brown
43. “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
44. “The best way to predict your future is to create it.” – Peter Drucker
45. “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” – Maya Angelou
46. “I don’t know what’s worse: People who lie or people who think I am stupid enough to believe the lies!” – Unknown
47. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
48. “The only thing that stands between me and total happiness is reality.” – Doug Marlette
49. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
50. “I can’t understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I’m frightened of the old ones.” – John Cage
51. “Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
52. “I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
53. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.” – Mark Twain
54. “I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.” – Douglas Adams
55. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” – Oscar Wilde
56. “I can’t believe that God put us on this earth to be ordinary.” – Lou Holtz
57. “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” – Louisa May Alcott
58. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead
59. “If there is anything I have learned in life, it is that love is not enough. But it sure does help.” – Unknown
60. “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” – Charles Bukowski
61. “I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.” – Oscar Wilde
62. “If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.” – Marilyn Monroe
63. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” – Noël Coward
64. “The first draft of anything is shit.” – Ernest Hemingway
65. “I’m not a businessman. I’m a business, man.” – Jay-Z
66. “Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” – Katharine Hepburn
67. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
68. “I am so cool, even ice cubes are jealous.” – Unknown
69. “I’m a success today because I had a friend who believed in me and I didn’t have the heart to let him down.” – Abraham Lincoln
70. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” – Groucho Marx
71. “You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr. Seuss
72. “I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something.” – Mitch Hedberg
73. “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.” – Robin Williams
74. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln
75. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
76. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett, Diggers
77. “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
78. “Reality continues to ruin my life.” – Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes
79. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
80. “I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
81. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
82. “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” – Bill Cosby
83. “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
84. “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
85. “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” – Charles Bukowski
